The Poems I Cut


 The editing process for Where the Flies Swarm took months, and with lots of help from editor Sarah Henry, the book began to take form. Sarah is an artist of many mediums, and a dear friend that I've known for a long time. I knew that they were the person I wanted working on this project with me. I spent time helping write for their blog, and really enjoyed the team I was able to work with. Everyone was so welcoming, inviting, encouraging, and accepting of my self and who I was. Because of this connection, I reached out to Sarah Henry and invited her to be a part of the Where the Flies Swarm project.

    Before handing the manuscript off to Sarah, I had cut some poems that I loved dearly, but didn't think they fit quite well in Where the Flies Swarm. They were mostly poems that were important to the process of developing a narrative for the book, but the writing style didn't quite match the rest of the book; I wanted Where the Flies Swarm to be unified, and unfortunately that means some poems had to go. 

One in particular that I'm thinking of is called Mattress. It's a poem that lists different assaults I have memories of. Since I have several brain injuries, and CPTSD, my memory is not the most dependable. Because of this, I try to write down as much information that I can remember after an assault, violent experience, or traumatic event. The poem Mattress speaks to the marriage between these rare memories, and moments recalled through nightmares. The beginning goes something like this: 

I sleep on a mattress filled with paper money. 

At night, my room fills up with blood and I wake up drowning.

His ghost comes unseen while I’m sleeping to put chains on my wrists

and wrap my knees with seatbelts...

He squeezed me white and named me bitch...

I am still naked with clothes on.

The rest of the poem lists a variety of violent affairs that won't list here, but through the poem I continue to recall over and over while staring at myself naked before a shower in my bathroom. A lot of my poems have a setting in the bathroom, shower, or bedroom. This is because when I'm forced to confront my body through the removal of clothes, lots of memories flood back and I'm faced with memories I'd rather not think about. Don't get me wrong, I have learned to love my body, and as a transmasc person I feel very at home in it. However, bodies often remember trauma that our minds forget about, and so I am constantly reminded of things that have happened to me when I come face to face with my body. 

Another poem (along with several other similar poems) that I cut from Where the Flies Swarm, have a lot to do with dreams. I have very vivid dreams that I enjoy writing about; dreams that help me process or describe my traumas. But like the poem Mattress, they didn't really match the writing s style with the rest of the book. However, I am holding onto them for my second book (title TBD), which will have a lot to do with expressing my dreams through poetry. 

People with bipolar disorder have abnormal REM sleep cycles, which may make dreams very vivid or bizarre. Bipolar patients also report bizarre dreams with death and injury themes before their shift to mania. My dreams are a combination of my experiences, my subconscious, the complexity of my PTSD and bipolar disorder, and the manipulating time between waking up and remembering the original dream. I love writing and documenting these dreams that I get to experience, and I grieve the pieces and moments of my dreams that are lost and forgotten. I look forward to piecing these poems together for my second book!

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