My LGBTQIA+ Experience

TW: trafficking, transphobia

I've been asked before if my transgender/gay identity is a result of being trafficked. I've also been asked this invasive question by healthcare professionals. To ask this question is to make the mistake of assuming a cisgender/heterosexual identity is a default setting that people acquire at birth, and to assume that to be LGBTQIA+ is a result of something "gone wrong." Lots of people make these assumptions without even realizing it, and they should be called in and corrected when making these assumptions. Being LGBTQIA+ is natural, just as natural as being cisgender/heterosexual. Sexual or gender identity is not a choice, but something that should be explored and identified with curiosity, freedom, and joy. 

My journey with my gender identity is my own, and so I only speak for myself. I believe there are as many genders as there are people who walk the earth, because it's such a personal and detailed thing to identify with. I identify as a transmasc non-binary person who uses he/him pronouns. I was assigned female at birth. (AFAB), which means that when I was born I was wrongly identified as "female." Because of that mistake, I was raised with female gender roles/responsibilities/expectations, and socialized as a woman based on my cultures expectations of what a straight cis-gender woman should look and act like. Although people of all genders and sexualities are survivors of SA, trafficking, and abuse, I believe I was targeted by my John because of my AFAB status. 

The development and discovery of my true gender identity was hindered by the way I was raised, and the trauma that I endured through the sex trafficking system. I was raised in a Calvinistic Christian home, where traditional gender-roles were heavy influencers. I was taught to comply with abusers through undertones of enforced obedience and groomed ideas of compliance, guilt, and lack of choice. Being socialized as a woman in that culture meant meant that I was taught to be a follower rather than a leader, to prioritize men's ego over my own safety and respect, and that my life's purpose would be filled through marriage and the bearing of children. To reframe these taught beliefs took years of processing, and especially took longer to do when influenced by the abuse and brainwashing of traffickers throughout my life. 

I hadn't considered I could have been anything other than a woman until I had the representation in my life and language to do so. I met my chosen family around 2018 through attending a drag show at my first pride event ever. After watching the oddities, wildness, freedom, and joy that was performed that night, I knew it was something that I wanted to be a part of. I immediately signed up for a "fresh fruit" number, a number where they allow someone new to perform for the first time during their show. After that performance, I was hooked, and kept on performing with this phenomenal group of people. The group of performers consisted of people of different genders, and was where I heard the term "they/them" pronouns, and "nonbinary," for the first time. I was shown representation of people who existed outside of the gender binary and my mind exploded with curiosity. I slowly began to apply the possibility to myself,  and began to understand that what I felt inside was growing into something more than just a "woman". I identified first as a woman, then as bi-gender (identifying as both genders on the gender binary), then as non-binary & gender-fluid. I felt as if my gender was beginning to relax, like wax melting to take the form of whatever it sat it, finally becoming its true form. 

Where do I go?

I started HRT in 2020, and have since been feeling more like myself each dose that I take. I feel so privileged to have access to HRT, because not everybody who needs it has access to it. It really has made all the difference and helped me feel more at home in my body. Along with it guiding me through my trans journey, it has also helped me tremendously through my trafficking escape.

My escape started years before it was accomplished, when I took small steps to gain more power in trafficking ladders, which equated to less eyes being on me, and a higher chance of me being able to squeeze out of powerful grips. It was a long effort that took years to slowly build on, and the HRT incorporation was the icing on the cake. After years of plotting, around the time I had little to no eyes on me, I had my John getting in trouble with his boss whenever he came looking for me, and I had cut ties with other abusive sources that fed my participation in the trafficking world. Through the HRT, I started to change appearance. I was still dealing with regulars and familiar Johns who would see me on the street, but as my physical appearance changed, these encounters stopped. I also changed my name legally at the same time, which helped tremendously with digital tracking, banking information, and past residencies that Johns had information on. All of that information changed, along with my physical appearance, so I basically left the surface of the planet, and vanished from the trafficking world with no footprints left behind. 

Although my escape looks like a few simple steps of changing my name, and incorporation of HRT, it took years and years of planning when I was heavily embedded in the trafficking world. I was forced to do many things I regret in order to move up on the trafficking ladder, and gain more power in the trafficking system. Looking back, I can cope with the things I chose to do in order to progress forward, because it was a means of survival, and I can realize now that it really was my only option.

When I talk about my escape in this way, I'm referring to both my escape from the sex trafficking world, as well as my trans escape from cis-assumed lifestyles. I DID NOT transition in order to escape the trafficking world. Transitioning through social transitions and HRT helped a lot, but the only reason I transitioned in the first place was to make my physical and social appearance match my gender identity. I did not make a gender transition in order to escape my traffickers,  I transitioned in order to escape my cis-centered world of harsh expectations and false stereotypes/representations. I transitioned in order to get closer to who I truly am. I do not regret my transition, but instead cherish it every day because it's actually who I am, apart from the person I used to falsely present as/pretend to be. 

I am incredibly proud to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community, and my chosen family has made all the difference by accepting and celebrating me as who I am.